There! Not There! There! Not There! What is The World Absent object permanence? Every baby solipsistic My tummy aches; a cataclysm

Everyday learning how to do something Gotta know Keep on growing way to go Everyday losing some little absence Fill in the gaps and it feels fantastic Walking on two feet climbing on something brushing my teeth or you brushing my teeth But I understand the function and meaning Love is that day to day patient teaching

Janis's muffin dress doll toys smell nice Bees really love 'em And so do I! Flip the dresses, put the hats on They look like muffins Bees really love 'em One of them stung me Owie, owie!

Baseball game; Bad fever dream cometh Minor league team; Major league bummer Weird spatial feelings [are] haunting my slumber Ominous drum beats rippling through me Wake up, I'm panicking "What the hell is happening?"

Touch the Lincoln Logs, wash your hands Touch the crayons, wash your hands Kindergarten's filthy, man Now I'm gonna lose my shit again I got a bad infection And now I can't do anything 'Cause the germs are crawling everywhere When will it end? Therapy is working...

Janis got a Game Gear I got a Super Nintendo Everybody's gotta hear: Christmas came on Christmas this year

Taco Bell today My new friend could do the puzzle better than me Do a bad thing in class, lose bait Learning comparative measuring I've got one; she's still got three And everybody in the class can see Doing my cursive A's at home I don't hold my pencil right I'm told Nothing looks smooth like the sample letter I really gotta get my shit together Milkweed bug larva habitat smells Just like something, but I can't tell what

"The following students may not be advancing to the 4th grade Failures all in science labs, foreshame Stand and show yourselves when called my name James" James James James

Picked up a new look at Kohls today Could be a mannequin doppelgänger body The folks in the board room must have read my mind I wanted a flowy cape to drag behind me Turning really fast to make the back arise in flight Impersonating what I thought prime ministers were like Wanted basically a sail to whip around me all the time In truth, it wasn't actually a cape; it was a vest The feel was close enough Imagination did the rest

Tired of being the class clown type I wanted a rebrand; some other life I borrowed a vocab book to find the words that a Smart New Me might like: 'Neophyte' and 'Arrogant' Apposite selections, you'll admit Shoehorn the words 'til they fit on my tongue Cherish the thought that it's just begun With these ones Tired of being the class clown type I found a new way to hide

We got off school early I guess there's a connection between the world and me Not everyone's dad works in Manhattan, I think In church that evening I knew to be scared But the kids my age on TV cheered Not sure what's going on here Up for school next morning Janis had the TV on already I microwaved my mini-muffins The second tower took its millionth tumble I said: "Why is this on TV again?"

No one would buy that I'm just "one of the guys" So I'll take "kid genius" and give it a try Ethan and I talking black holes by the fire at night Summer camp socializing; a brutal environment Gotta find a suitable character to hide in now What's my line? Uhh "A Brief History of Time" changed my life (?) I told Kyle some believable bullshit Bluffed my way through a chess match with him All it takes is a credible persona to win the right to be left alone on your own terms Lesson learned

Anish and I were in television class talking about our future selves I predicted by high school We would reject as absurdities all our hopes and beliefs we held dear at thirteen Ideas and worries But in the meantime you can't choose You've gotta live in the current You

Saddle up: bike and camera Gonna take some pictures of things at an angle A really acute angle Bought some padlocks at the new dollar store Next to Romeo's and the dry cleaner Sharpied the numbers one through three One digit each Making a fun little mystery For another bored young kid like me Put 'em on chain link fences around town Far enough apart to be difficult to track down Not quite a puzzle Simple and free A scavenger hunt for suburban teens Why waste an ounce of one's energy On silly inside bits like these? Audience of one: It was only me Still pretty funny Still pretty funny

Let's walk home from school today I don't know if you should eat those berries Holy fuck, they stopped a goddamn train Saw us putting rocks on the tracks Start running Hop a fence Fall into a mud bank that looks like shit Wonder if the things in my cargo pockets will make it... Old enough to know it This is how I want to be living Need no other reason, save for 'no fun but for that you make' Just walking around Doing something

I learned it from the early vlogosphere You talk about the news You have an opinion about it Polemical but funny too The focus shifts with the headlines Whether praising or rebuke move Between torture in the War on Terror Or your preference for the Zune Meanwhile, I don't feel welcome in groups of people I'd rather pace between the streetlamps outside the party Imagine what it takes to feel belonging somewhere inside me Sixteen and lonely

We sent the sushi chef To do reconnaissance At the chain café next door Couldn't figure out how They managed to keep the noise down With the blender spinning all around Turns out they just had better hardware My boss built a small wooden cover It did jack shit to dampen the sound Of the bubble tea slushes getting ground down (ground down) Can't complain at $7.15 an hour 2007, seventeen, and no power Fourteen hour shifts and cash pay Peel out in my Mom's gray Camry My town still means all that to me Springsteen dreams of a Jersey teen Who hadn't really heard all that much Springsteen yet

Cassie found a book in the basement of our middle school That and a fire extinguisher fine consolation for failing to get on the roof Sometimes kids are little shit heads Everybody knows that Nobody can take it back A custodian called the cops Cassie and John ran off I got a talking-to Lesson learned: Fear not what you do when your middle class, suburban bubble travels with you Ended the summer many roofs shy but the dream of arbitrary, silly goals stayed alive So too with misapprehensions about the congruity of my life to other people's Later I borrowed Peter's headset to shout in my room In an Audacity session My dad's 1970s folk guitar making the wave form bloom Welcome a new obsession I got my first laptop It had a microphone Had all I needed to always be alone Stare at the white concrete walls of my dorm room Writing songs about you Writing songs about a different you Writing songs about quote unquote You Writing songs about Me via writing songs about You leaving for college Writing songs about missing all my friends Writing songs about meeting an old man Writing songs about not having a band Writing songs about pretty much anything Writing songs that barely made sense Writing songs on the weekdays and weekends Writing songs just to feel something Eighteen on my dorm room bed Writing songs just to feel something Eighteen, I don't know who I am Writing songs just to feel something Eighteen got no politics yet I'm writing songs just to feel something

You grabbed me by the part of my work shirt Where the logo goes Little t-bone Whisper-yelled "I'm still drunk from yesterday!" Fell back into the coat closet enclave This is gonna be a challenging shift I'd say 'Cause we're down a server Buying cigs for a guest at the hotel He didn't have his own car High-fives from the crew on the curb on my way back to work from the Princeton Wawa He gave me like $100 dollars That's Hoagie Money! Nineteen years of bad wit and impatience Taking quick breaks behind the servers' station Bartender still has my Lemuria album Free French onion soup for $6.15 an hour Already shined these wine glasses twice today And I started my first band in the parking lot by the school on my birthday Ill-fitting clothes make their final stand on my body Things are changing

Did I go and trade my childhood for a more informed worldview? 'Cause some days it feels as though I let my youth slip right through my fingers The figures of my former life are melting away into memory But the lessons they have taught Will always be a part of me I waste these beautiful days with my head in the clouds Just pondering all of the ways that I could help out But if progressive chain reaction needs another voice or a catalyst They won't find the answer here because in practice I am useless Or so it seems Or so it seems I can only hope that this worthlessness is just a phase Because so many have achieved the most incredible feats by my age And though I'm relatively young the simple fact still remains That nearly twenty years have passed and I have yet to grab the reins And no matter how long I sit here it takes more to make a change

We smashed Endangered Nose On the stone Getty behind the Aqua Lounge In Asbury Park A nigh-fitting capstone to our summer Placed together in the dark We met some awesome folks Down in Toms River Rockin’ out at Floyds’ on most Monday nights And Grover’s Mill on Tuesdays Just another song about how summer has to end And I don’t know why, I must memorialize this moment But it feels right, so I’ll do it anyway We need to break away From all of the shit that gets caked on When you stay in one place For way too long Abandon the routine That we’ve comfortably assumed Cut the cables and keep pushing forward The crisis of youth has Turned its’ back on me My reflection in the review lookin’ back to see The same smiling face, just a little less spritely Probably too many long walks listening to “Light Leaves” (yea, that’ll do it) But no matter how hard I try I’ll never know why, never know why, never know why Your face burns holes in my mind But I’ll try, Oh I’ll try, I’ll try to figure it out some other time I need the freedom of An ocean full of love To demarcate the person I have been from the person I will soon become

My bachelor’s degree has fallen asleep on my dresser I’ll hang it someday in place I’ll have made Where presently posters from high school pepper my wall But for now I am stalling But for now I’ll pretend That 30 is dying, that 40 is death That the greatest of sins is to find time to rest I am high strung I am strung out I’ll pretend that my friends are truly fucking free But my future is pending and that won’t bother me I’ll pretend it don’t bother me You’re moving to Brooklyn I’m living at home Neurotically grasping at proof that I’ve grown up a little That I’m not the same child I was for no reason other than The room that I sleep in, the car that I drive The same mortal fear that I’m wasting away still alive But our 20s aren’t sacred, we’re just blowing steam ‘Cause we’re scared there’s a threshold for living our dreams that we’re passing That we’re missing our stop, we forgot to get off, and soon it’ll be gone But it won’t be gone And I know you wouldn't be told what to do You can fall on your own knees Tend to your own bruises, so go You can run the whole way back to Brooklyn Just drop me a line when you feel something brewing inside Some anxious demise One tiny last token of all the years spent telling lies To yourself and your friends 'bout beginnings and ends And the way you don't buy into Societal paradigms of success in the sense of complete self reliance Well you can talk all you want but I know when you're lying

My house that I rent has white siding and a literal picket fence Symbolic of growing up Symbolic of taking on responsibilities that don’t matter to anyone but me I spent all day cooking and cleaning And finding new ways to organize my closet so that my instruments stay temperate And don’t get too humid when the summer comes Well now the servers at the diner all know my name Because I order the exact same breakfast every Sunday At a slightly different time each week ‘Cause on the weekends I’m free to fail at punctuality We went out to a hotel bar, bought a fancy fucking cheese plate and Tuesday Margaritas Then we went right back, right back to the grind Friend’s weddings, a bar’s close And other times I’m embarrassed to be alone I merge onto 93 But can’t risk a solo flight in the special designated lane for HOVs I spend all day grading and planning my lessons So I could do some more than merely teaching to a test Oh! But the boredom brings them down So I pack my shit, move on to another town What do you say to a friend you haven’t seen in 6 months? Don’t think about them that much Have another beer and then pretend to give a shit About how 23 ain’t so bad Things are going alright Work is still a drag and you’re still tired from these long nights But things could be worse as much as they could be better now Maybe it’s preferable to be bored together than bored on your own

I’m in a tie at my desk I’ll be ready soon I’m in my going-out clothes in my bedroom Sitting in my brown leather chair from Staples Waiting for a second wind I’m in a hurry oh the night is closing in If I don’t leave pretty soon what will my life have been? 24 years sitting in square room waiting for my life to happen to me But tonight I don’t feel right Haven’t accomplished a single objective This isn’t how a person with real self-respect is I don’t know how to do anything Fun enough to convince me to not just sit here Call up a friend but they’ve gotta be somewhere Scroll through your contacts like the savior is in there You’ll let the sun set on a wasted day ‘Cause you can’t get it together but I’ve gotta say that Tonight I don’t feel right It’s getting’ late oh I’d better just stay in Maybe I could go to bed early awaken All refreshed and ready to go But there are only five episodes left of this online show Still gotta read 300 pages by Wednesday An essay and a unit plan due on the next day Not keeping to the schedule that I made but that’s okay Tomorrow I’ll work twice as hard as should have today

My first trip to a psychologist I played with blocks and chatted with the doctor She told my mom that I was brilliant I was so eloquent for a five year old **Chorus I used to be a boy wonder Now I've become a man under pressure To be a notable something But I'm just alright at some things I was the sage of cabin B12 The summer I turned 13 years old The kids all thought I was a genius I talked about white dwarfs and black holes **Chorus Turned up in The Space when I was 18 Cut perfect rectangles with a jigsaw Got taken under some old wings Who said my carpentry would go far **Chorus 22 teaching high school Even my students couldn't believe it It was impressive for a man so young But what happens when you turn back the pages Of my tabletop calendar 'Till suddenly hearing "sir" doesn't sound like a mistake anymore **Chorus So now I'm turning 25 in New England Same old job Same old apartment Same disregard For taking new risks I should have been something by now I should have done something by now I should have helped someone by now I should have called my mom by now I should have practiced guitar by now I should have been a notable something But I'm just alright

The height of my ambition is basically doing this Singing folk punk tunes in folk punk living rooms Might not seem glamorous Man I'm Feeling embarrassed by my hobbies when I talk to older people now Hey, wait, may-be that's not all true everyday with my memory tryina Say, stay, true to who I dreamt of being when I was nineteen When I was nineteen, when I was nineteen, but I'm 26 So now I'm feelin' old at the punk rock show I wake up really fuckin' early so I've got to go I'm sick of all my younger friends moving away To pursue the next stage of their lives while I stay but then I'm feeling like a kid at the staff party My colleagues talking bout their growing progeny And I'm standing in the corner like a middle school dance Looking down at my phone, a G & T in my hand Gettin older made it easier Cause now I know that I can be an alright person without Knowing what to talk about So I'm alone on the porch But I tell myself it's cool because I really dig the tunes and it is, and I do So I'll be keep rolling though and I'm not gonna leave any room for my insecurities to bother you! Sing it with me some of us are young Sing it with me some of us are old Sing it with me some of us are both of those relative to other people here right now Sing it with me ageism is real Sing it with me so respect your younger peers Sing it with me if you're feeling old Who are you trying to please? What social standard are you violating? Be wary of a general anxiety manifesting itself as an issue of age like you hate your job and take it out on kids at the show cause you're feeling old but that's just you being unsatisfied with yourself So get over it

You own a house and take care of a baby I've got 72 likes on a Facebook post I'm hanging out with undergrads on a Friday night like I'm not 27 Past the point of "oh my gosh, my friend got married!" To the point of "all my goddamn friends are married..." I've been in clean work-out clothes Alone in my apartment, sitting in the dark on a Wednesday Scrolling through my contacts, wondering where a friend is I don't wanna spend my late 20s watching Netflix I'm trying to get Fame Swoll now don't wanna drag ten people to some shitty bar show downtown Cup or cone at JP Licks with Rena after dinner Or on the road eating rest stop pizza on I-80 in the summer I remember where I'm at And remember I'm not jazzed about it Cause I might spend the next year living worse off than the last one And I might not enjoy my job as much as I do now And I might waste a decade chasing meaningless credentials I might wind up feeling lower than I have since college Shit that's a scary thought So now I live in a 9x8 foot room I've got them non-linearity of progress blues I wanna live better by the metrics that mean something to me I need degrees, I need prestige, I need famous friends who say hi to me I crave that elitist bullshit that makes me feel superior I need it But you can't chase that shit forever Eventually we wake the fuck up or we settle on our own terms I've got this false credibility my scene points bought me but I'm not really smarter than anybody else And when you root your sense of self in the power you've garnered You shackle happiness to hierarchical garbage And I know I'm not some punk seventeen year old with a chip on my shoulder I'm lazy and bored and ten years older Ten years.

Neat gin; the cheap shit Miscue at the solo table Go home early, get home late I’m freakin’ No reason Making breakfast weird, man I’m sorry to harsh your vibe. Nothing’s felt right since last June I’m sitting in the same chair Working at the same school I see the same people exactly like I used to So why can’t I crack a fucking smile when I should do? Ten months later I feel better— Forward, out the door go Ten months later Washed up on the beach Heartrate steady, breathing normal. I feel fine about my future Still got a past to figure out But I’ve got an act to get together To be useful now. Still I wanna go back I’ll be 26 Back when I gave a shit about the quality of the gig. Used to believe I was gonna get a doctorate Now I can’t write for shit, I’m imposter-ing. Moonlight over the Wash n’ Dry Gonna wait out the rest of my cycle Like I’m gonna wait out the rest of my life— Staring at a glass screen Posture like a bread line father in the ‘30s. Now I wonder why it’s hard to say This is exactly what I asked for But I’m not sure I’m happy that I have it. So Peter got the condo in Colorado And Lou, he fell in love And all the hype bands got written up In the taste-making blogs where the writing sucks Yea, the writing sucks I’m not jealous, oh… But Wendy says that time is just a context So it’s not too late. No use lamenting an unchecked box at 28. I’ve got a full-moon face; Tomorrow I’ll wane But not before a new day Of staring at a glass screen Posture like I know Exactly Where I Could Be.

Two old friends called out of the blue And I bloomed, I bloomed Later corner of the party like I’m 15 And I can’t feel alright Yea Friendship does it usually But some comforts illusory So take it to the courts and learn that fair is not the metric we use Hey gloom It’s already bad Take a good day Make my eyes wetter Drive to Portland Drive to Pittsburgh Drive to Philly Still feel depressed and Ill still Insinuate myself into your favorite shirt that wears with use Become ephemera from youth A postcard from a Disney cruise I don’t remember that conversation but I believe it when you say it changed you I miss you What’ll you do when your new friends leave too? What’ll you do when your new friends leave too? What’ll you do when your new friends leave too? Buckle up, I’m 29 now Build a home, try to find out What to do with the knowledge that things are gonna change The spots where you hang out, the communities you cultivate The people you see on the regular, the places you live as the rents rise up The music you hear on the radio, the things that young people say to you The love that you give out freely, and the hurt that comes just as easily The security blanket of family, the streets of my hometown in Jersey The dread and the sadness that hangs above, the red iron burn of a passionate love Your health if you’ve got it initially, The clout you command in the music scene The fictional futures you’ll strive for, the torturous weight of a loss borne Satisfaction with how you are living, and a durable sense of identity Yea all this and more is impermanent A fluid in motion you float within Predictions aren’t worth what you wrote them in Secondhand ink from shitty pen So I’m gonna try out more listening And I’ll take all the blows as they come to me I’ll live and I’ll love my community Then I’ll disappear into memory

What’s for breakfast? Same thing, same thing Homemade home fries Eggs and coffee Loss of confidence Loss of clarity A settled feeling, dulling curiosity If Self is the things you do I’m a thoughtlessly wiled away afternoon ‘Til it’s already time to switch to evening lights Another day, dollar, dunk tank dip, but it’s alright I guess you can’t feel bitter If the world doesn’t give you what you want When you’re not sure what you want Can’t play-act a sideline sitter In a world where you don’t know what you want Are goals bad? Maybe it’s time to give up the lists Maybe it’s time to stop all this shit Or maybe it’s time to get Serious Early career successes: Red sky in the morn’ Wait for the storm or call off the dogs Never learned to be resilient I can’t take it when I’m not being babied by the one in charge If Self is the things you are I’m exhausted and fine and a wreck and a superstar But maybe all we ever need in life Is for a couple other people to believe that we’re alright Because you can’t feel bitter If the world doesn’t give you what you want When you’ve got Forever Want Can’t play-act a sideline sitter In a world where you’ll never have enough Are goals bad? Maybe it’s time to give up the lists Maybe it’s time to stop all this shit Or maybe it’s time to get Serious Waiting around to be something easy Some marketing dweeb who loves everything mid-century Another image-conscious angel of the helping professions A restless musician repeating boring confessions Jealous of the ones who stuck the landing Or leaned particularly hard into their branding But all of this deflection comes to little if it’s not paired With a basic understanding that I do it ‘cause I’m scared of failure Man… I’ve been doing some things for twelve years (like this shit) And I’ve been doing some things for eight years (like teaching) And I’ve been doing some things for four years (like flossing) And some things I’ve been crushing much longer (parallel parking) Hey man, If Self is the things you leave I’m a rambling voicemail message about nothing If Self is the things you’ve been I’m wrong If Self is what others see Man, I’m not supposed to care too much about Me, but Maybe Self is like Everything But in a Monist sense though, so it’s valid philosophically Thirty came quickly The endless future; a horizon approaching Friends’ babies are growing And my prospects for professional advancement are diminishing But if Self is contingent then I’m at least as important as You are to Me, my friend And we’re doing some cool shit still, I guess So what’s for breakfast? Same thing, same thing You fried the eggs up and I made the coffee We’ve got a lot of time To sip here

Books stacked up on the desk Like sandbags for protection But the water's gonna find a way in... So long staring at this window The news is far away I turn the radio off early lately Power fears turned tables above everything else So they pulverize the vulnerable to comfort themselves The state, the cops, the occupiers, armed to the teeth With a mandate for repression we support implicitly But nobody needs a perfunctory "mea culpa!" Apologies come as soon as conditions necessitate the illusion of doing something I've got change for you and it's a one-liner: "Stop the Hate!" on a little painted sign A meek cry thrown from the back of a big room while the planet dies The politics of recognition are a dead end Pointing at a body like: "I think this guy needed medicine!" Oh, tell your very observant friend I think they're on to something... Like, where's all the Land Back when you need it? The political means for Palestinian freedom? The right live as a whole human being to go where you want and to eat when you need it? Power fears turned tables above everything else So it lashes out in violence to comfort itself Scary boyfriends, jailers, judges, pipeline police And ubiquitous surveillance fills the spaces in-between We reify data We reify law Efficiency, measurement, reason and all Epistemological means of control Teaching kids at a vulnerable age That their emotions burden their brains The Self, an undisciplined worker who needs the firm hand of management to be made useful It's hard to believe When a whole bunch of people who stay the same say "everything is changing" We welcome a New Day like Anything is happening-- (Weird!) I don't mean to be mean or disempower This is just me spiraling I'll be fine in about an hour For now I'm just incredulous Raging that there's gotta be a better way to get folks the things that they need: Healthcare, Housing, Food, and Dignity But what I don't know at thirty-one years old I'm probably not gonna know Without making the time Prioritizing Thinking, deciding Building a life And trying to be alright Bringing the fight when conditions call for a struggle That's when you'll know If the strategy's right If you brought enough muscle Fail, rinse, repeat And do a better job tomorrow Power fears turned tables above everything else So our highest aspirations atrophy under our doubts So let's incubate the futures that we all know we need And in the meantime struggle firmly against our class enemies 'Cause to them Law and Order translates to Control of subject populations of whom their afraid with the Fear and the Hate enacted by the State all the while making Bank selling weapons Hip Hooray! Then they render the system of social provision so indescribably impotent that it feels unrealistic to make any demands of it Who does that serve? The same Bastards So hell yea, I voted for Bernie Sanders! Medicare for All my friends! Fully fund that shit! And if you love your employer-provided sky-high-deductiblized private insurance so much Why don't you marry it?